Jess May’s SPecial Days

So, we’re going to do something a little bit different…

Not entirely sure whether to call it an interview or a colab?

But hey ho, let’s begin…

Today we’re going to be asking the question above:

What is a Civil Wedding Celebrant?

& we’re also going to introduce one of the most awesome people I’ve ever met at a wedding, who goes by the business name of Jess May’s Special Days. This is Jess, pictured, and she is a Wedding Celebrant. The ‘Life Affirming Celebrant’ actually. Now I’m going to admit, this was my first wedding hosted by a Wedding Celebrant, and when my couple, the lovely Sarah & Joe said to me “Oh btw, we’re having a celebrant…” I had absolutely no idea what this would entail. It turns out, they had been let down by their venue with regards to their Registrar, but even pre-wedding they were aware that having Jess in their Wedding was going to be an extra added bonus of shiny sparkle.

They were not wrong.

For a bit of background, Sarah & Joe are THE most chilled and fun-loving couple that I’ve probably ever worked with. They are not serious people. They had already shared with me that they would probably spend their entire ceremony chortling at the seriousness of the situation. I believe they actually did so in their official registry office ceremony, but by round two, or maybe just because of the power-of-the-jess, they just looked effortlessly cool, calm & collected throughout.

Now I probably shouldn’t say this, but oh well… I’m not a fan of church weddings. There, said it. I’m not religious at all, & I’m not a massive fan of churches… Now she’s on a roll, isn’t she?!… The majority are very outdated, the lighting is always an absolute nightmare, dodgy red carpets and caramel glossy-glossy-oh-so-glossy wood in a shade that will do nothing but clash with said carpet. To top it off nicely, the ceremonies go on for an age and a day and the hosts can be a little bit shirty about movement, flash {remember that bad lighting situ} & and anything remotely artistic {especially if this encourages that nasty art of moving ones feet}. I will point out at this point that so far there has been one exception; the Swithland Church. I think it’s called St. Leonard’s - I would check but I’m lazy and also on a roll.. It’s beautiful, not a gaudy red carpet in sight, chandeliers glow, the HUGE stained glass window is an absolute thing to behold & the priest / reverend chap is hilarious and very chill; he can sometimes be found roaming the grounds holding a mug of tea.

I’ve digressed as usual, back to business… Jess’ wedding celebrantingness was quite lengthy, but there was not an eye-roll, bored uncle or yawn in the room. It was witty, charming, funny & also very touching. It was a pleasure to listen to, and lovely to hear the little stories about Sarah & Joe’s lives and proposal; which also let slip that Sarah had put the engagement ring in the bin by accident!

So, Jess definitely has my vote.

I’m also a little bit gutted that she’s recently moved to Brighton - I’d hoped it' would have been the first of many a wonderful wedding together.

But now, seeing as I am not at all qualified to answer the above question, let’s turn to the oracle…

Jess, what is a Celebrant?

A Celebrant literally means 'a person who Celebrates'. It is a 17th Century word from the Latin 'Celebrare'. It will originally have been used, and still is today, to describe a person who 'celebrates' at Mass in the Roman Catholic Church. A 'Celebrant' of the sacraments performing the Holy Rite of Holy Communion.

It was subsequently used to describe 'secular' or 'non religious' Ministers or Officiants who took the place of the Priest's role at ceremonies. This emerged in Australia and then in America.

I personally don't like it as a term because to many people think it means the same as 'celibate'! I also don't like it because most people don't know what it is. I call myself a 'Ceremony Creator' as this is exactly what I am. The Celebrant part...really refers to the 'standing at the front' aspect of the work, which is actually a tiny part of my practice. Of what I do, 95% happens behind the scenes creating and collaborating and you'd never know how much work and time that takes.

How long have you been a Celebrant for, and what made you want to be one?

I have been a Ceremony Creator for a decade now.

Ten years ago, when my sister was in the end stages of cancer and her daughter wanted to marry her now husband my niece asked me to do their wedding. At the time I was working part time in the Church of England and was planning to become a Priest. I had studied theology and Religion, specialising in Contemporary Spirituality in Britain at University and was convinced I had a calling to the ministry.

In a funny kind of way I was right and I did have a calling, but my vocation was not to do ceremonies in Church where people could not relate to proscribed dogma.

It was to be free.

My niece asked me because she knew that I had experience of conducting ceremonies and general understanding of ceremony and spirituality. I had worked on my Mum's funeral and she knew my skills and our relationship would make for a good ceremony. Ultimately I was the compromise between the big white Church wedding my sister had envisaged and the small private elopement my niece wanted... that moment liberated me from trying to be accepted as a Priest in the Church where I really wasn't welcome and wasn't a fit. I had too much personality and individuality.

Why should people choose a Celebrant over a traditional-type ceremony?

If you are 'Spiritual but not Religious', if you are a 'Spiritual orphan' and are no longer welcome in your Religious community because you are Gay or 'marrying out'.

If you are not formal and don't want bored guests or you're a 'creative'.

If you want something totally unique that no one else has ever or will ever have again.

If you want to have fun.

If you want to make up your own vows.

If Church makes no sense to you.

If you find 'civil' ceremonies boring or too generic and formulaic.

If you want to involve the children, create a 'blended' family ceremony or incorporate a Naming Ceremony.

If you are LGBTQIA+ or anti-establishment.

If you are 'a little bit woo', or Pagan and want a hand fasting or other different ritual, or if you are an interfaith couple who want to incorporate elements of both of your religions.

If you have a favourite unlicensed venue and want your wedding there but can't 'do the legals' there or want it after 6pm by candlelight.

If you want your dog as a ring-bearer or want to get married in your Mum's back-garden.

Perhaps you want to include a non-secular poem or a prayer and can't find your favourites on the template of choices offered by a registrar.

Maybe you want to be married by a person who knows you well enough to be called your friend and this is what a Celebrant will become.

If you want to meet the person marrying you in advance or want them to tell your story....the reasons are many and varied.

This isn't a comprehensive list but it all amounts to freedom of choice. In our communities now we are free spirits and we don't trust authority anymore...let alone the authority of homophobic, dogmatic, abusive institutions. Also, people are not used to being told what to do or being bored...people expect to do their own thing and have fun and be entertained.

We have evolved as a society.

Do you think Celebrant Wedding Ceremonies are on the rise?

Probably, because we live in an 'individualistic' culture.

This is the age of the individual.

We want to express our individuality.

It is also the case that our culture right now is all about choice, freedom to choose and self-expression. We can choose from a massive range of options in shops everywhere. People expect that level of choice in their weddings too. Most people are either 'spiritual but not religious' and carry a whole range of, sometimes apparently conflicting, personal beliefs or they are Atheist.

Church no longer makes sense for the majority of people and they may not want to 'pretend' in order to use a pretty chapel for their photos Religious institutions in general here in the UK are increasingly unpopular with the majority of young people. They want to express their own personal, individual perspectives on the world. Many young people find their belief systems reflected in Harry Potter or they want a Game of Thrones vibe or want to jump over light sabers or burn sage and use crystals.

We are very eclectic in our beliefs in the UK  but we are distrustful of institution.

What do you think draws your couples to your services?

People choose me for my informality, my personality, my relaxed vibe.

I like to think that they also sense depth and intellectual rigour behind all that, but I suspect that people mainly choose me for my voice and my hair!

Although I write a good story and there is more to me than meets the eye, as you can hopefully see from my answers…

Tell us a little bit about yourself, your business & why you love what you do…

I have already alluded to my experience of being rejected by the Church of England for the Priesthood. This was honestly the best thing that ever happened to me. I was permanently furious with their petty-minded, short-sighted, homophobic, patriarchal ways! T'hey were constantly infuriated by my free-thinking energy! But I still have a sense of being 'called' to my work.

In Church we have a tradition of people becoming 'Priests' because they are 'called'. In that tradition it is to do with God calling us to be set apart for specific work. Most religions have something like it from Rabbis, to Shaman. I don't know what I believe any more but of one thing I am totally sure… I absolutely believe that ceremonies is what i was put on earth to do. 

My business is a total joy, I love what i do for a number of reasons. Some are complex and some are simple but it isn't a one sentence answer.

I love that it makes use of all of my life experience and all of my learned skills, from working in a hospice when I was 25 to my academic interests, to my love of writing, my fascination with people and their stories. I love that every ceremony gives me a rush of pleasure and joy when I see that I have enabled people to create an experience which is meaningful for them and makes sense of their human lived experience.

We create our own 'meaning' in life. Ceremonies are an historic way of creating meaning in this crazy cruel world.  Ceremonies enable community spirit, they equip people for the future, they surround us by support and love, they allow time for thought and reflection, they encourage us to commit to our own intentions and ask those we love to keep us accountable. They are an opportunity to be sociable, to be together and to have fun.

My role is enabling all of these things.

I don't believe that your wedding day is the 'best day of your life'. That is the most depressing thing I've ever heard, it is just one of the best days and many more are yet to come. Ceremonies mark new beginnings and life transitions. They are a threshold to new life.

Neither do I believe that your wedding day is 'all about you'. Ceremonies are about context and community, we do not exist in isolation. Wedding ceremonies affirm you as you are in all your difference. I get to stand with a Queer couple or an Interfaith couple rejected by their families and religious institutions and declare to the world how special and vital and life-giving their love is. I help them to find ways to express that to each other and to all around them. It is a process of 'claiming' our value. I get to help people to tell their human story. I enable people to have their voices heard and affirmed by drawing them out of them the things they really need said. I listen to who people really are and put a frame around them or shine a light upon their beautiful qualities. Much as you do as a photographer I present that authentic moment of love and connection to them and to the world. 

I love my work because of all of these things and because I know that every single time I am in exactly the place I am meant to be and that in that moment being my whole self is enough.

& finally, what are your 2023 trend predictions for the wonderful world of Weddings?

Young people ,who are usually the majority demographic getting married, will probably fall into two camps. They will be short of money and in a depressing context. They will either have elopement weddings, private simple weddings in register offices with one or two witnesses or they will put it off, until they are more financially secure or go DIY.

OR they will find the world so miserable that they will go all out with lavish occasions borrow or work overtime to cheer themselves and everyone else up.

Wedding cultures, styles and traditions are always contextual. They always reflect their period in history. People will go more and more personalised and relate less and less to structure, formality and institutions. They will trust authority less and less and will want to be fully expressive. OR they will be so freaked out by all the massive distressing chaotic changes that they will go super conservative and return to their churches, rituals and familiar safe structures. I predict that people will go either of these two polarised ways..

Eco friendly weddings and Thrift weddings and Vegan weddings will be a thing as will the involvement of their dogs as ringbearers. I also think that more people will go for cost-cutting exercises like having a 'faux' 4-tier cake with only one layer edible. Pre-loved will probably be big. Dried flowers are seen as more environmentally friendly and they can be used again. Many people will be looking to pay for their weddings through monthly payment plans. I predict more 'romantic-vintage-retro' styles as people feel nostalgic for happier times. OR extravagant escapist, hedonist excess or festival weddings. Probably more people will get married in their own gardens too. But times are hard and whatever they do they will be reacting in their own ways to that fact.

For all information regarding how Jess can make your wedding day even greater, please find her on the following…

WEBSITE // INSTA // FACEBOOK

EMAIL:

jessmaydays@gmail.com

PHONE:

07891 522 531

LOCATION:

Brighton & Hove, BN2